Talk about stepping back in time. I was eating breakfast when I first heard about the now-infamous list Glamour Magazine published back in July titled “13 Little Things That Make Men Fall Hard For You.” Innocent header. Not so innocent content. Being the naïve person I obviously am, I was expecting things like, “How you are able to laugh at yourself” or “Your ability to pay your own bills.” You know, something substantial. However, as the hosts of the radio show I had half-heartedly been listening to up until that point rattled off the items that actually made up that list, I knew that I shouldn’t have given Glamour so much credit. Before I go further, go ahead and read over the list yourself.
Yes, put on your poodle skirts and get into that kitchen, ladies. It appears that’s all we’re still good for.
My honest to God first thought when I heard this list was, “Why can’t he make me a sandwich?” I mean, do guys think we don’t like sandwiches, too? Better yet, we’ll make it easy on you – just grab a pint of ice cream out of the freezer or sleeve of cookies from the pantry, and we’ll be happy. Why do I have to be the one to get out of that warm bed to find sustenance? I'm cozy, gosh darn it! And lo and behold, it appears I’m not the only one who took offense to the list. Here are some of my favorite twitter reactions to the article:
Here’s my real beef with the entire article. Actually, I have 3.
First, it makes it seem like women constantly have to do everything in their power to keep the men in their lives interested in them. You know, because just being “us” isn’t enough. Yes, you could be a badass lady – the kind who is intelligent, respected at work, loved by friends, and involved in the community – but, by God, if after a long day at work you don’t have the energy to give your boyfriend a massage with a happy ending, it is understandable why he would leave your ass. And I just found so much fault in that. Shouldn’t men be working just as hard to win us over? To keep us interested in them? I shouldn’t have to go above and beyond to make you want to stay with me. And I won’t. Not for that reason.
Fault #2: Listen, if I was sitting on my bum all day, spending my waking hours getting manicures and catching up on Real Housewives while you were out there working to support me, then yes, I would make you a nice dinner and have a chilled beer waiting for you when you come through the door. But I’m not. Many women, like me, are out there working the same hours as men, putting in the same hard work, feeling the same exhaustion at the end of the day and are still expected to come home and “take care” of their significant other. And it’s not fair. Women nowadays have the same responsibilities outside the home that men do and yet are still expected to take over a majority of those inside the home as well. Talk about getting the short end of the stick.
Finally, I hate this list because it makes relationships seem like a game. And I’ve been in too many of those to know that (**NEWSFLASH**) they don’t work out. If you have to pretend to be an expert on all things Chicago Cubs-related in order for him to like you, guess what? He probably doesn’t like you that much anyway. Because if he did, he wouldn’t care if you knew what stadium they played in (it’s Wrigley, in case you were wondering). If you want a relationship for the long haul, snaring a guy with the tactics Glamour listed isn’t going to work – because the curtain is going to eventually be pulled away and you’ll each see each other for who you really are.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the things on the list in general – it’s just the motive behind them is horrible. Do I think you should brag about your boyfriend? Yes, especially if he just got that big promotion or is secretly a REALLY great cook. Should you watch another episode of Games of Thrones with him even though you hate the gore? Yes, because you know he spent two hours last weekend watching you bawl over the latest Nicholas Sparks movie. However, your reason for doing these things shouldn’t be for him to fall in love with you but because you generally care about him and want to show it through your actions (they are more important than words, you know). Then, you let the cards fall where they may.
Just to have a little fun, I decided to put on my Glamour journalist hat and leave you with what I’m certain they would have wrote for the flip side of this article. So here are my “13 Little Ways to Make Women Fall in Love With You,” written in the same 1950s context as their original. Enjoy – and feel free to add to the list ;)
13 Ways to Make Women Fall in Love with You
Offer up a foot massage at the end of the day. It's hard cooking dinner in those heels day in and day out.
Perfect birthday present? Steak of the month club! You know how much we love to cook it for you.
Be patient – we just can’t comprehend everything as quickly as your big man brain.
If you have time, send us recaps of last night’s Bachelor. Although, let’s be real, we’re at home all day and have probably already watched it. What else would we do with all that free time?
Be romantic and leave a trail of rose petals along the floor to the bedroom and all across the bed. Extra special because we will love cleaning that mess up afterwards.
Buy us diamonds – oh how we love shiny things.
Mow the grass for us – God knows we don’t want to get dirt under our fingernails. Plus, we should be inside cleaning anyways, right?
Come home with the newest rom-com and a bottle of wine because you know what the combination of The Notebook and being wine drunk leads to…
Get in a fight for us. We love nothing better than cleaning up a bloody nose after you defend our honor. Even when it isn't necessary (“Joe, the guy literally just said hi.”)
Bring home flowers every once in a while. Just stay away from random gifts chocolate - that will only make us fat.
Always be around to move furniture. Our tiny lady arms can’t manage to lift those all those heavy dining room chairs.
Allow us to entertain, feed, bathe, soothe, and clean the children at all times – women are just programmed to be the caregivers.
Please order for me when we’re dining at a nice restaurant. You always know what’s best.